When it comes to dating, lots of Christian guys wonder about the role physical appearance and godly character should play in whom they decide to pursue.
In other words, how should Christian men weigh outward appearance and inner beauty as they consider dating Christian women?
More specifically, they ask if it’s wise to pursue a godly woman they do not find physically attractive in the hopes that they will develop feelings for her over time.
It’s a difficult, sensitive topic, but by the end of this article, I hope to draw on God’s word and share a framework that will help you pursue this aspect of godly dating with wisdom.
The Weirdest Dating Advice I Ever Received
It was the weirdest Christian dating advice I had ever received.
One of my friends was telling me about a recently married mutual acquaintance who had just two criteria. I figured simple = good, especially coming from this acquaintance, someone in ministry I respected.
‘He wanted a godly woman, obviously,’ my friend said, ‘and she had to look good in a little black dress.’
As a single guy in my early twenties, I found his comment confusing. On the one hand, putting so much emphasis on appearance seemed really worldly. But our mutual acquaintance was a pastor I looked up to, and we’re supposed to be attracted to someone we’re dating… right?
Twenty years later, it’s easy to see that our acquaintance’s comment was seriously misguided. But it illustrates the confusion Christian guys are facing in how to evaluate the relative value of physical appearance when dating.
While we cannot – for any reason – approve of objectifying women, the culture around us makes that challenging. (For men and women.) Movies, television, and the internet are giving us the message that good looks, image, and sexual attraction are everything. Although most churches and Christian circles acknowledge that the message is wrong, sometimes, in practice, they don’t give much guidance.
The Tension Between Character And Physical Appearance
So if you’re a single Christian man, I can totally see why you’re wrestling with this tension. You want to honor God and the women you date. You don’t want to objectify them, and you understand that a Christian woman’s character matters way more than her looks.
But you also want to have real desire toward the woman you may marry. After all, God created beauty.
And yet, you sense that physical appearance can be too important to you at times. Maybe you struggle with lust or pornography and sense that your heart has the potential to lead you astray. (Good call; it does.)
To make things even more complicated, you have some female friends who are seriously godly, but you’re not attracted to them. And you have other female friends who are not so godly, yet – if you’re honest – are pretty physically attractive.
For example, one guy shared with me that he’s sexually attracted to his girlfriend yet knows that spiritually, she’s not in a solid place. He (rightfully) has doubts about the relationship leading to a godly marriage but is finding it hard to end.
So what do you do with all this? To sharpen the point of the pencil, let’s ask two more specific questions:
- What roles do godly character and physical beauty play in pursuing a potential spouse?
- Should you date someone you’re not attracted to? (Do looks matter in a relationship? Or, should you ‘choose’ to be attracted to a potential future spouse even if you’re not?)
These are great questions! To answer them, let’s look at God’s design for beauty and the dangers of beauty in a fallen world, then explore two principles for how to proceed with a godly woman you may a lack of attraction toward.
Beauty, God’s Good Design
It’s hard to deny that men tend to be visual creatures. For example, research shows that for men, vision is the dominant perceptual sense, while in women, the different senses are much more balanced. When women lie in their online dating profiles, it’s often by posting pictures of themselves when they were younger – and thinner. In other words, women know what (many) guys want. (To be clear, many guys are equally dishonest, too, and shade the truth.)
But Scripture makes it plain that physical beauty is part of God’s good design. For example, when we meet Rebekah, she’s described as a ‘young woman… very attractive in appearance’. (Genesis 24:16) And again and again, the Song of Solomon celebrates physical attraction, often in terms that make us blush.
When my wife and I do premarital counseling, we’ll often ask couples what first drew them to each other. The guy will always mention her godly character but eventually, admit that ‘she was cute.’ (I don’t think I’ve ever heard a woman mention that about a guy.) Usually, guys feel sheepish when they say that, but they shouldn’t. Guys, God made you that way.
Of course, on a far deeper level, God himself is beautiful. David prayed,
‘One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.’ (Psalm 27:4)
Since we are made in God’s image, the physical attractiveness we possess is a reflection of a much greater – and permanent – beauty that God himself possesses. A beauty that has no limits and will satisfy us forever.
A woman’s physical beauty is ultimately one reflection of the beauty of her creator. Put simply, it is part of God’s good design, something to be celebrated. And it matters when choosing a potential partner.
I like the way Stephen Altrogge puts it in his article ‘Should You “Choose” To Be Attracted To Your Potential Spouse?’:
A husband and wife should be spiritually compatible AND physically attracted to each other. This doesn’t mean that the man or woman is a supermodel. Beauty is fleeting, and charm is deceitful, which is why we don’t make those things the primary factors in a relationship. But God created us as both spiritual and physical beings. We are not sexless, spiritual beings. God made us to have flesh and blood. He created us to be attracted to the opposite sex.
So, you should be physically attracted to someone you date and consider marrying.
Warning Label
At the same time, guys, in a fallen world, we know physical beauty should have a warning label. And throughout the bible, it often does.
The same bible that praises physical beauty also contains tragic stories of its misuse. Samson and Delilah (Judges 16), David and Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11), Solomon and his thousand-women-harem that ‘turned away his heart after other gods’ (1 Kings 11:3-4).
Proverbs states the danger with classic simplicity:
‘Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain.’ (31:30)
Beauty is vain in the sense that it will fade. It may be the first thing you notice, but it will not last. At least not for a long time. As Pastor Matt Chandler puts it,
Gravity always wins. We are all wrinkling. Our noses and ears never quit growing. It is only a matter of time till that little component that we are basing so much on starts to vanish and must be replaced by attraction founded on character and covenant.
It’s also vain in that physical beauty has no value without a foundation of godly character. Proverbs 11:22 puts it memorably:
‘A beautiful woman who lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout.’
Dating a gorgeous woman without godly character doesn’t make any sense.
Younger guys ‘know’ this… in theory. In practice, with our culture’s obsession with appearance and our own fallenness, keeping physical appearance in its place is easier said than done.
Let’s go back to Proverbs 31:30 – the whole verse this time – for the proper relationship between character and physical beauty when we’re evaluating a potential spouse.
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
There’s no contest. If beauty and character were to fight, character wins every time. At least in the long run.
So, Should I Date A Godly Woman I’m Not Attracted To?
Great question. Lots of guys ask me if they should date a woman they’re not physically attracted to. They usually have someone specific in mind, a friend with godly character. They have real chemistry, but ‘I just don’t find her attractive and don’t want to lead her on. What should I do?’
My short answer is, ‘No, you shouldn’t start a dating relationship with her.’ Physical attraction isn’t the most important quality in a potential spouse, but your attraction to her does matter. In other words, in romantic relationships, physical beauty is a good thing but not the most important thing.
No woman wants to feel like a consolation prize, someone you ‘should be’ attracted to but aren’t. If you pursue the relationship, she will get hurt, and you will feel guilty. Your hearts will get entangled, and significant emotional pain is likely to occur.
At the same time, I’m not just giving you an easy out, and this decision needs to be set in the bigger context of seeking God’s will.
Here are two suggestions for what to do if you find yourself in this situation so that your expectations for women line up with God’s.
Pursue personal purity
If you’re not physically attracted to a godly woman, I don’t want you to feel guilty. At least not automatically. Different guys will be attracted to different women, and that can be from the Lord.
At the same time, we are broken and fallen, and we should be suspicious of ourselves. Is it possible that you’re not attracted to her because you’re taking your cues from the culture’s standard of airbrushed beauty? Don’t answer too quickly – we need to ask ourselves what kind of woman we really want on a deep down, heart level.
If you’re using pornography or giving into fantasy, now is the time to stop. Repent when you fail, and receive the forgiveness and new power to obey that God loves to give (1 John 1:9) through the Holy Spirit. Confess honestly to a friend, and ask him to help you in your fight (James 5:16).
If we resist pornography and an impure thought life, if we ‘flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart’ (2 Timothy 2:22), we’ll be better able to keep physical beauty and character in their proper balance. So that we’ll be attracted to godly women, and honor them in how we relate.
Pursue regular friendships with godly women and hope for more
Again, if you’re not physically attracted to a woman, don’t lead her on. Don’t spend (much) time with her alone, where she might get the idea you’re singling her out or have interest. But that’s not necessarily the end of the story. Chandler gives some more great advice:
Godliness is sexy to godly people. And so, if you get in proximity, and you see the godliness and character of a woman, you begin to take compatibility and godliness and gospel partnership more seriously than just physical attraction…
So, pursue [godly women you’re not physically attracted to] as friends and hope that it grows into more. Want it to grow into more. And I am confident that, over time, character and godliness will win the day.
Chandler is saying that, as God matures us over time, the most attractive thing to a godly man is a woman’s character. This doesn’t mean that physical features don’t matter at all, but true love is rooted in something – unfading beauty (1 Peter 3:3-4) – that can’t be lost.
Of course, I can’t promise that you’ll develop physical attraction for a particular godly woman, but there’s a good chance you might. When a Christian relationship begins on the basis of character and friendship, it holds enormous promise far beyond the first date. This is a great way to marry your best friend and model God’s love together for the rest of your life.
For reflection:
- What relative importance do you place upon godly character and physical attractiveness when you think about women? Be honest with yourself – and the Lord.
- Are you spending significant alone time with women you’re not attracted to? Do you need to step back, or change how you’re doing things?
- Who are some women you could get to know in group settings, prayerfully hoping God will take one of them in the direction of marriage?
Hey, Bryan, I’m posting here rather than on FB, because I think you’ve endured enough diatribe about this piece on that venue! That said, I think your advice is sound, and your responses to your critics, humble and Biblical. I confess, time only allowed me to read the post once, but what I see is your heart being in the right place, trying to advocate for all concerned (the pursuer and the pursued). We can’t help being attracted by some and put off by others; as you say, God made us that way and He understands we’re only dust. I would agree that your suggestion of allowing oneself to be initially only attracted to the character of another can at times blossom into physical attraction as well. A friend once counseled me to look past the physical imperfections of someone I was dating since I was attracted to his personality. She advised me that at times the person becomes more desirable in time as we allow the internal gifts to sort of mesh with the wrapping paper, so to speak. She further speculated that, when a not-so-perfect-looking person feels happy and loved in a relationship, somehow he/she becomes more attractive to the partner. She was right. I ended up marrying him! Disclaimer: I am far from a beauty queen. For all I know, the man I married was having similar conversations with himself about me!
Thank you, Thea, for your kind words. It sounds like you got some great advice, and I love your comment about the internal gifts and wrapping paper. I’m so thankful that ‘though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.’ (2 Corinthians 4:16) Thanks again for reading and interacting with me, Thea!
When my husband started seminary, the president exhorted all the single men in the room to remember that the woman they married would in all likelihood be spending more time with their future children than they would, and that they should pursue someone who would be a powerful witness for Christ in and out of the home, not just a pretty face in the pew on Sunday. I don’t agree with a lot things that seminary president has said, but I agree with that. I appreciate this post, and I think it’s wise advice in the other direction as women look for a potential husband.
Thanks so much, Laura… that was great advice for young guys in seminary. Especially since seminaries don’t often talk about things that aren’t purely academic.
A few people have expressed interest in a post that would explore reasons why women might not date a godly guy, so I’m going to give that a shot. But I’m going to post a one-question survey people can take in an effort to get some input from women first. Thanks again, Laura.
Bryan, this post was well throughout and written. You hit some very key points. I’m in agreement, Godliness always triumphs over the visual. I’ve seen it a thousand times. It’s like… the inner beauty of a woman supersedes the physical, and can’t be overlooked… it’s not fleeting. Thanks for sharing this. God bless.
Hi Shira, thank you for taking the time to read, and sharing encouraging feedback. You’re so right about godly character lasting! Just today, my wife and I visited the restaurant where I proposed to her 22 years ago, and took a few pictures for old time’s sake. We laughed about how we don’t look the same as we did back then, but honestly we’re way more grateful for each other now, despite the obvious signs of age. Like Proverbs 31:30 says, ‘beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.’ Many blessings to you!
You might not look like you used to look, but if your wife had never looked attractive even when you were both young, she would probably not be married to you now. What I’m saying is, you can’t really compare the natural aging process with not even being attractive in one’s youth.
I’m sick of being told how visual men are. Women like me (over 30, six feet tall with big feet and hands and plain features) can never hope to get married. I keep myself fit and hardly eat for fear of becoming fat on top of everythimg else, but Christian men treat me like ‘one of the boys’. I’m not one of the boys, I’m a woman, fully female who is losing hope and finds articles like this one very discouraging. Do you have any advice for unattractive women like me. Are there any guys that might find a woman like me ‘attractive’?
Hi Heather, sorry for my slower reply. It’s been a busier last few days. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave this honest, vulnerable comment. It breaks my heart to think that my article added to your discouragement.
First, I’d like to just acknowledge how difficult our culture makes it for women. There’s so much pressure to fit a certain standard physically, and when you don’t on any number of levels, it can be incredibly hard. As a guy, I can’t pretend to understand your situation first-hand, but I do have two daughters, and I’ve seen how this affects them.
I hope, one by one, Christians can help reshape our culture’s view of beauty. By that, I mean shifting the emphasis away from outward appearance toward godly character. (See Proverbs 31:30.) But even if we can’t impact the larger culture, I hope we can slowly reshape the church.
But, to speak into your comment and the fears you express. Don’t lose hope! The same God who created the heavens and the earth, who raise Jesus from the dead, who crafted our bodies and features… this same God also purposed most of us for the good gift of marriage. If He has marriage in mind for you, he also has a godly (and imperfect, like us all) man in mind who will be earnestly attracted to you. If he doesn’t have marriage in mind for you, he has Himself in mind as your groom. Both are valuable, and neither hinge on your appearance. Not even a little.
Heather, my prayer for you is that you will see yourself as God does: that you ‘are worth far more than rubies’ (Proverbs 31:10), that all of you, including your body, is ‘wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14), and that you have immense value because of Christ’s life and death on your behalf (1 Corinthians 6:20).
Keep your eyes on him, for he is worthy of your trust in all these things. And I will pray that God brings a godly man into your life who will see you as God does, and be honored to marry you.
Hi Heather,
As a 6’2″ guy, I’ve always found tall girls H-O-T, hawt! So there is hope for you yet!!
That said, I’m unfortunately in a circumstance where I’m pondering the dilemma of this article. I love the emotional and intellectual connection I have with the woman matched with me by our church elders, but don’t find her physically attractive. The reason I proceeded with this relationship is because I submitted myself to God in prayer, for His ways are higher than my ways. I’m once divorced (not by choice) because I went after the physically attractive, not so godly woman. Now I’m in this predicament where I want this relationship to work but am deeply stirred in my anxious soul (not spirit) about moving to the next level. Everything I’ve learned from this world says “Don’t do it!” but I value God’s input, and this is so trying. She has peace in her spirit to proceed. I’ve prayed time and again, and only have signs to move forward as well.
Hi, thanks for reading my article and taking to heart what it might mean for your situation. You’ve obviously reflected on your former mistakes and are seeking to submit yourself to God in it, as well as considering the wisdom of your church elders.
I cannot, of course, pretend to know what you should do without knowing you well (at all, really), but I would encourage you to pray through/reflect on the last section of the article in particular again, asking God to give you wisdom. I will pray for you and the woman you mention, asking God to make it clear how to proceed.
I would like to offer an alternative perspective. If a young man asked my advice on the question of dating a woman to whom he is not physically attracted, I would say the following: I have rarely encountered a guy who would even consider a date with someone absent significant physical draw; and the fact that you are weighing this heavily enough to seek advice tells me that this must be a girl to whom you feel a truly exceptional degree of compatibility; in my experience, to meet someone like this is a rare thing! Just the same, especially for men, physical attractions are NOT few — in fact, they are quite common! So, I ask: if God has given you one with whom you feel an exceptional connection, why would you sacrifice that in favor of something so ordinary as a hormone rush? And remember too: a few dates is NOT the equivalent of a marriage proposal! Just the fact that you date is not a promise of lifelong fealty, but only a testing of the waters; at worst, you discover this connection is not what you thought it could be — and so you lay it aside. In your life, you will encounter many “hot” bodies — they are in fact a dime a dozen, as they say! But amazing souls — these are precious and few! You will be better served, one day, with a woman of beautiful soul in unremarkable body, than with a woman of average soul in a beautiful body.
Hi John, thanks for taking the time to read, and leave a thoughtful, kindly-worded response. While my main point was that mere character – with no physical attraction – is not enough to move toward marriage, I love what you say about preferring ‘a woman of beautiful soul in unremarkable body [over] a woman of average soul in a beautiful body.’ Our culture is certainly more apt to pursue the first over the second. We need to follow God in prioritizing godly character!
You also make a good point that a few dates is not the same as a marriage proposal. There’s no harm in getting to know someone better, and seeing what God may do.
Thanks again for your thoughtful response, and many blessings to you today!
Thanks, this is helpful. There’s a woman at church who’s made it clear she’s attracted to me, but I don’t feel the same. But here’s what strange — when I see her coming at me, I don’t sense godliness in her. Perhaps it’s selfishness, lust I see in her? She knows I don’t feel the same, yet she keeps trying to be near me. It’s very uncomfortable.
I’m so glad this was helpful, and thanks for taking the time to read and leave a comment.
While it can be hard to discern someone else’s motives, if you have made your lack of interest clear to her, then it’s reasonable to expect her to respect that. Is it possible she is simply trying to be friends, or, do you suspect she is not accepting your lack of interest?
This article was really helpful. You were taking the words right outta my mouth. Thank you! This world has screwed our values up. I want a godly woman who I’m crazy for physically & we’re emotionally, mentally, & spiritually aligned!
Hi, thanks so much for reading and your kind words. I’m glad you found it helpful. 😊
What if shes nice and everything but even after a few dates i didnt feel a connection with her and lost interest, wouldnt a relationship just be harmful?
Hi John, thanks for reading and leaving a comment. If you don’t sense a connection after a few dates, then yes, I think it’s better to be (gently) honest about that rather than moving forward.
I’m not sure, but perhaps your question comes in response to my mentioning Matt Chandler’s advice. I.e., about guys pursuing friendships with godly women they may not be romantically attracted to at first and hoping that God might change that at some point. In other words, sometimes attraction develops between a man and woman as they come to see each other’s character and Christlikeness over time, even if that attraction wasn’t there at first. For this to work, of course, it has to be clear that the friendship is just that, unless something changes. At that time, it would be important to bring that up and have a conversation about the future of the relationship.
So, in the situation you describe, maybe it’s possible to not go on more dates and yet find a way to stay in touch just as friends. A lot of that may depend on how you know each other. If you met through an app, that might be awkward. But if you see each other regularly in real life, like at church, then maybe that becomes more possible. Sounds like wisdom is required, but the good news is that God loves to give it.
It makes me upset at times, that God made certain women more conventionally attractive than others, which gives more attractive women more opportinities, options, and men that desire her. Then if she has a Godly character, that makes her even more valuable than unattractive Godly women. That is just stupid and sad. Things like this make me think that God loves prettier women more because He knows the opportunities and advantages that they will have over their lesser counterparts. The sucks thing about it is that unattractive women cannot change their genetics. Unattractive women will HATE for their husband to love their character but feel like he has to SETTLE for her looks. Plus, it sucks that men get to choose women they are attracted to, but women have to settle for a man that is Godly, but not very physically attractive to them. So unfair.
Hi Valerie, thank you for reading and leaving a comment. You have accurately described the way our culture over-values physical appearance, and that it’s often unfair for women on many levels.
I will say that the bible shows that God does not over-value physical appearance like we do. For example, when the prophet Samuel visits Jesse to see which of his sons God has chosen as king, he looks at his firstborn and imagines he must be God’s chosen king because of his physical appearance. But God tells him, ‘Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7)
In Proverbs 31, the portrait of a godly woman, God says, ‘Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.’
And in Genesis 29, we meet Jacob’s two wives, Leah and Rachel. While Jacob loves Rachel more because she is ‘beautiful in form and appearance’ (verse 17), God sees that Leah is overlooked and gives her multiple children while closing Rachel’s womb (31).
Jesus himself (though obviously not a woman) was apparently rather unattractive and had ‘no beauty that we should desire him’ (Isaiah 53:2), yet infinitely loved by God his Father.
While I know that differences in physical appearance often cause a lot of problems in our culture, and especially for women, I hope seeing that God deeply values character is of some comfort for you, Valerie. Thanks again for interacting.
I really enjoyed your article and totally agree that no one should ever consider dating someone they aren’t attracted to. This is a touchy subject and lots of advice from well meaning ( the pathway to hell…….) people is given not taking into consideration that there are many different types of individuals and perspectives. I am what I would refer to as a binary when it comes to attraction to anything. It is either there or it isn’t. I’ve met some other people like this as well both male and female. If something isn’t attractive to me from the get go it never will be. We don’t grow to be attracted to anything. I would say that we are a minority in the grand scheme of things. It’s difficult in that I can’t count how many times I was introduced to a woman by some friends for the purpose of potential matchmaking and When asked afterward what I thought of her I replied “ no chance”. I do not have extremely high standards as I generally go for women I find “cute”, not drop dead gorgeous. Those people would be like “ How can you say that? You don’t really know her? You might not find her pretty now but after you get to know her…,……..”. Sorry but it won’t happen. For example, I am not attracted to flat chested women. Now you don’t have to have porn star dimensions to pass the bar but generally speaking if my boobs are bigger than hers that’s an issue. Honestly life would be a lot easier if I could grow to be attracted to something I initially wasn’t but that’s just how I am wired. Thankfully I met the right woman and we’ve been married 17 years.
Hi Jason, sorry I missed your comment first time around. I’m so glad that God provided you with a wife and that you’ve enjoyed 17 years together. As someone who is happily married myself, I can certainly testify to the fact that God knows how to pair us with the right spouse. May God bless you both for many more years to come!
Godliness is not sexy. It’s like the most important feature of a car that you are looking to buy…. Does it run? Beyond that there’s a difference between a Ford Festiva and a Ferrari. Most people that I know can grow to be attracted to someone they initially aren’t. But some of us are what I call binaries, meaning that the attraction switch is either on or off to any potential person and it will not change no matter how many positive attributes they have aside. I do fully agree though no matter what your persuasion you should not date someone who you aren’t attracted to in any way shape or form.
Hi Jason, thank you for reading and leaving a comment. I can understand that godly character may not increase someone’s physical attractiveness for every person and that’s okay. It’s better to be honest about that and trust God to provide someone to whom you are attracted all-around.