How To Stop Lust (8 Secrets)

As I was creating a course to help Christian men get ready for marriage, I did some in-depth research with a focus group, and asked them about their biggest struggles. Only one thing showed up in every single conversation I had.

Can you guess what it was?

Yup, lust and sexual sin. Every guy I spoke with told me they want to know how to overcome sexual sin, but were not finding a ton of success.

Most Christian men want to honor God and the women around us, but it doesn’t just happen all by itself.  It takes some effort and intentionality.

In this post, I want to convince you it’s worth the effort and then give you 8 specific strategies for success.

Lust: What’s The Big Deal?

If you don’t identify as a Christian – and perhaps even if you do – you may be thinking, ‘Seriously, what’s the big deal? There’s no harm in just looking.  Relax.’

Is that really true, though?

Listen to what Jesus says in Matthew 5:27-28: “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’  But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart”.

Jesus isn’t naive.  He understands that it’s worse to actually sleep with someone than to look at them with lust.  His point is that wrongful desire, which we can’t see, is ultimately behind our sexual sin, which we can.

Lust: Like Your Favorite Dessert

Author Paul Tripp illustrates this by using an everyday example we’re all (waaay too) familiar with. Dessert.   Let’s say we’ve just finished dinner and we’re stuffed.  We know we shouldn’t eat that strawberry shortcake staring at us from the middle of the table.  But, truth is, we really, really want it. The obvious truth is that we don’t want to just look at the cake.  We want to eat it.

It seems crazy to say it, but lust works the same way.  Lust wants the real experience, right now, on its own terms, no matter the cost to others. (See David and Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 11).  That’s why Jesus says what we do with our hearts and eyes is a big deal.

As we swim in a sea of sexual temptation, we need to be convinced purity is critical if we’re going to stay safe and love the people around us.

How To Stop Lust: 8 Secrets For Lasting Success

So this matters. But how do we fight against sexual temptation and pursue purity on the everyday, street-level of our lives?

1. Attack it at the root.  Since all our actions can be traced back to the hidden, but real, dynamics of our hearts, this is where the real battle occurs.  Biblical counselor John Bettler has a great, short article where he lays out the ‘pyramid of lust’.  I can’t unpack it all here, but I’ve put together a video and worksheet that does.  The basic idea is that underneath obvious sexual sin at the top of the pyramid lies less obvious relational and ‘life’ lusts that drive it.  For example, someone’s struggle with pornography may really be about an easy escape from his loneliness.  Dealing with that is the key to long-term transformation.
2. Build community.  This should include some loving accountability, but goes way beyond it.  We need to develop healthy, give-and-take relationships where using and objectifying people become less and less natural.
3. Be where God has placed you.  The story of David’s downfall with Bathsheba begins with this interesting observation: ‘In the spring of the year, when kings normally go out to war… David stayed behind in Jerusalem’ (2 Samuel 11:1).  While he almost certainly didn’t stay behind to pursue Bathsheba with intention, the text suggests someone like David should have been leading his troops in battle. Was he staying back out of fear? Laziness? A love of the creature comforts that royalty brings? We’re not sure about the particulars, but his decision set the stage for him to see Bathsheba and everything unraveled from there.  Sometimes what God is calling us to do is hard, but being faithful quietly insulates us from other, far worse things.
4. Memorize relevant Scripture.  As a starting point, check out this list of 25 verses. Extra credit: find passages that force you to think a little, like 1 Timothy 6:6-10.  This passage is actually about money, but can easily apply to other challenges like sexual sin.  So you have to engage with it (and God) instead of just robotically memorizing it.
5. Use the Joseph strategy.  When Potiphar’s wife tried to take Joseph to bed (Genesis 39), he didn’t stand there and have an extended discussion with her.  He ran away.  If certain situations are a temptation for you, plan to avoid them as much as you can. While ultimately ‘to the pure all things are pure’ (Titus 1:15), in this life we are not yet fully pure, and must be wise in limiting temptations we cannot yet handle.
6. Be careful what you watch and consume.  We know that our bodies will pretty much reflect what we eat, right?  It’s the same with our eyes and hearts.  Are you discerning about what you watch on TV and Netflix?  The stuff you look at online?  If you need to make changes here and have been putting it off, make a commitment to do it. Today.  And tell someone else so you actually follow through.  Covenant Eyes, Net Nanny, and OpenDNS (whole-house filter) are some good starting points.
7. Be thankful for your spouse or boy/girlfriend.  If God has blessed you with a wonderful boy/girlfriend or spouse, thinking about them is one of the best ways to honor God – and them! – that I can think of.  My wife Sharon is awesome.  She’s beautiful, funny, a devoted mom, is all-in with our ministry and loves God more than me.  When I think about her, stuff that could be tempting loses its power. Even if you’re in a relationship that isn’t great, though, focusing on what is great about it will only help you.
8. Pray! It’s strange, but it’s easy to think prayer is an afterthought, a tack-on to the other, more ‘real’ strategies. It’s not. One of my pastors shared with me how many guys will tell him they just can’t overcome sexual addictions and other forms of sexual sin. Then he asks them, ‘Have you prayed about it? I mean, really come before God and asked for help?’ And they almost always say they haven’t. Of course, none of us are above this, but prayer connects us with God and is incredibly powerful. ‘Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.’ (James 5:16) (To prove his point, he goes on to mention how Elijah prayed, and God responded by withholding rain for three-and-a-half years, then granting it again in response to his further prayers.)

Obviously, this isn’t a magic formula or quick fix.  But our efforts in this direction really add up and they are entirely worth it.

Although our culture doesn’t think that keeping our minds and eyes pure is a big deal, God says it is.  Growing in holiness in this area will lead to incredible blessing for us, our future (or current) spouse, and our kids. Not to mention honoring God. With some consistent, Spirit-dependent effort this is a fight we can win.

Questions For Reflection:

1. Which of the suggestions above would help you the most as you seek to grow in sexual purity?
2. How can you specifically start to apply it?
3. Identify a trusted friend, and have an honest conversation with them about your struggles in this area. Pray together, seeking God’s grace.

PS If you’d like more help in this area, I’ve put together a whole module on overcoming lust and pursuing sexual purity in my How To Prepare For Marriage online video course. It walks through God’s plan for sexuality from a biblical perspective, practical strategies for fighting lust, and a surprising factor for pursuing purity we often overlook. Each lesson also comes with an action guide to help you live it out.