Every time Matt and I met, somehow he steered the conversation back to 'submission.'
'God's Word says that a husband is to be the head of the wife! I'm supposed to have a leadership role in my home and all Sarah does is fight with me. I'm sick of this!'
Regrettably, I could not convince Matt that he should redirect his focus to God's command to him through the Apostle Paul: to show Christ's love in sacrificial ways to his wife (Ephesians 5:25).
While Matt and Sarah were clearly struggling in their marriage relationship, Allison and Jackson had a different challenge. 'I find the idea of submission outdated and ridiculous,' Allison said. 'I believe that a biblical marriage is all about mutual submission. After all, we are both made in the image of God!'
These two couples loved the Lord, but were struggling - in very different ways - with biblical submission in marriage, and God's plan for how husbands and wives should relate in a Christian marriage.
Why This Conversation Matters
It's not hard to see why Christian couples, even those in a healthy marriage, wrestle with the different roles the Word of God seems to lay out. To begin with, the concept of submission is loaded. Many a Christian husband, for example, has twisted the Bible to get his own way and become a functional dictator. But when rightly understood, biblical submission is a beautiful thing, rooted in God's good design, and brings strength, peace, and unity to marriage.
Beyond the good effects a husband's headship (that's another post) and a wife's submission might produce, God's Word mentions them on at least three occasions.
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (Ephesians 5:22-24)
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Colossians 3:18)
1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. (1 Peter 3:1-6)
If God brings the topic of submission up three times, we can't ignore it. This post will attempt to clear the fog and offer nine truths rooted in Scripture, not cultural stereotypes or fear. And to say it up front, this post is not an attempt to be exhaustive. There are plenty of good books on that, such as Tim & Kathy Keller's chapter in The Meaning of Marriage.
In addition, while this post centers around the subject of submission, that in no way suggests a husband's role and call to Christ-like, sacrificial love is any less important. To the contrary, it is absolutely essential, but will be the subject of another post.
With those caveats, let's dive in.
1. Biblical Submission Begins With Christ, Not Culture
We need to be careful in looking to God's word and make sure we are following his lead, not our own. Or that of our culture.
Writer Hannah Anderson believes Americans made that very mistake in post-WWII America when TV shows like Leave It To Beaver and Father Knows Best suggested women should remain at home, centering their attention solely on their husbands, children, and other domestic concerns. This has understandably led many Christian women to question and reject this approach as extra-biblical.
She believes that this coupling of 1950s domesticity with gender roles was born out of what was happening in American culture at the time. In the wake of the utter chaos during and after the Second World War, Americans were desperate for stability, and rigid gender roles seemed to offer that.
There were many other factors, too, dating back—at least—to the Industrial Revolution.
Anderson's own upbringing offered her a better, more biblical alternative to the carefully prescribed gender roles she observed:
Instead of thinking that the greatest good for me was to marry, have children, and rear them in a comfortable suburban environment, I grew up believing that the greatest good for me was to follow Christ, to devote myself to His service. That might very well mean marriage and children, but it could have as easily meant working overseas, pursuing post-grad degrees, or relieving the sick and oppressed. June Cleaver never once entered the conversation.
So, as we begin this conversation on submission, be reassured we're not advocating a return to 1950s gender roles!
2. Submission Is a Willing Posture, Not Forced Control
Let's be clear: biblical submission is never coerced. It’s a voluntary attitude and act of trust, not subjugation.
This becomes clear as we consider the nature of marriage, which reflects God's love for us through Christ (Ephesians 5:31-32). And Christ not only serves as our head or leader (see Colossians 1:15-18, for example), but also as our willing servant. In other words, he fulfills both the role of husbands and wives, giving both dignity.
John 10:17-18 highlights the voluntary nature of Christ's submission:
17 I lay down my life that I may take it up again. 18 No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord.
God the Father did not force Jesus to lay his life down for us. He submitted to his Father's will of his own accord. This means that a Christian wife chooses to submit to her husband; he may not force or pressure her into it, lest he become an abusive husband.
3. Submission Happens in the Context of Mutual Love and Sacrifice
It's critical to see that biblical submission in marriage is not merely for wives. In the New Testament, Paul's instruction in Ephesians 5:21 makes it plain that submission is for every Christian. 'Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.' Before Paul tells wives to submit, he tells all believers to live in mutual humility and love. To be, as he puts it earlier, 'imitators of God' (Ephesians 5:1).
On the surface, it may appear that Paul is talking out of both sides of his mouth. If Christians are to 'submit to one another,' how can he also say, 'wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord?' It's beyond the scope of this article to get too deep into the weeds, but in short, both are true. While wives submit to their husbands in a unique way, this does not negate the call of every Christian - including a husband and wife - to submit other believers - and, each other.
For example, Paul's command in Ephesians 5:21 means I must ask how God may be calling me to yield to my wife. Many times, the Holy Spirit has spoken words of wisdom through her to me, words that spared me from acting rashly or foolishly. Because of her counsel, I have held my tongue before speaking unwisely to our children, which has proven to be a good thing on more than one occasion!
Marriage is a dance, and more than one thing can be true.
4. Submission Does Not Diminish a Woman’s Strength or Voice
Proverbs 31:10-31, while an idealized portrait of the godly woman, brings a lot of clarity.
10 An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
This strong woman is essentially a small business owner and exerts a level of financial independence and control that was rare in the ancient world.
She:
knows what she needs and acquires it (verses 13-14)
works hard, largely on behalf of others, especially her own household (15)
makes important business decisions, apparently without the oversight of her husband, who trusts her (11, 16)
seeks to (and does) make a profit (18)
Scriptures like this one are clear: women are equal in value to men, gifted by God to bring value into the world through their work. God has no interest in promoting the gender stereotypes we often do.
In addition, women will often do things better than we can. My wife, for example, is far more gifted in handling financial spreadsheets, details, and logistics than I am. Over time, I've leveled up because I've had to, but let's just say you don't want me running your event or buying your groceries. I've learned to lean on her in those - and many other - areas.
5. Biblical Submission Makes Marriage Flourish
In our cultural moment, there is understandable suspicion when the word submission comes up. It can seem like a husband's leadership and wifely submission open the door for abuse. And, don't reflect the equality that is clearly present elsewhere in Scripture (see Galatians 3:28, for example).
These are fair concerns and we absolutely must guard against them. Men have misused Scripture to cater to their own wants - and, worse.
At the same time, God’s design is good and reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church, as Ephesians 5:21-33 shows. I'll include the whole passage here for appropriate context:
21 ...submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Again, as we saw above, mutual submission (verse 21) and a wife's submission in a unique way are not mutually exclusive. When both spouses embrace their roles, there is peace and order—not chaos or competition. At least, there does not have to be.
Janine Carratini puts it well on a helpful article she wrote on biblical submission:
'The act of submission is beautiful and God-glorifying from the start, and there is nothing unfortunate or threatening about that. God would never command those who belong to Him to do anything harmful. He knows what is best for us. He loves us and wants the things that lead to His glory and our flourishing in Him.'
6. Submission Is Not Agreement On Everything
Healthy couples disagree. Submission doesn't mean agreeing with everything your husband says. Like the apostles responded when ordered to stop preaching Jesus, wives 'must obey God rather than men,' (Acts 5:29), and should never 'submit' to their husbands in ways that dishonor God.
Biblical submission means respecting your husband’s God-given spiritual leadership while still using your God-given voice.
I'm biased, but I think my wife Sharon embodies these things really well. By her own admission, she has a strong, stubborn personality and has no problem speaking up when she disagrees with me. Out of her own, vibrant relationship with Jesus, she has often challenged me to re-think my approach to something, called me out on sin, or encouraged me to consider something that wasn't even on my radar. And even though it doesn't always feel good in the moment, I wouldn't have it any other way.
7. Submission Is Not Enduring Abuse or Sin
To say it clearly, biblical submission in marriage never requires a wife to endure sin, abuse, or unrepentant behavior. My wife and I have known several women who, out of kindness for their husbands - and, perhaps, embarrassment over their ungodly behavior - have essentially covered over their husbands' ongoing sin patterns. While they were not in physical danger, they endured things they didn't need to. Eventually, with the help of wise counselors and church leaders, they called their husbands to repentance and gave them strong, godly ultimatums to either repent or lose their marriages.
Jennifer's husband Jaxon, for example, was caught in pornography and excessive drinking. For a time, she covered up his sin, hiding the evidence of his drinking and taking on what should have been his share of their mutual responsibilities. After a wise pastor asked some hard questions, she began to see Jaxon's behavior for what it was, calling him to change and embrace God's ways. He hated it at first, but God used Jennifer's uncompromising love to produce lasting change.
A wife’s first allegiance is to Christ. Submission doesn’t silence the need for help, boundaries, or accountability.
(If you or someone you know is - or even may be - in an abusive relationship, please seek help now. Counselor Darby Strickland offers wise, nuanced advice in this article. In addition to The National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, mentioned in the article, Focus on the Family offers licensed or pastoral counselors who can be reached at 1-855-771-4357.)
8. Husbands Are Called to Christlike Leadership—Not Entitlement
While this particular article is focused on submission, it's essential to begin addressing husbands here, too. Ephesians 5:25-30 makes plain that a husband is called to Christlike, unconditional love.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.
In his book Marriage And The Mystery Of The Gospel, Pastor Ray Ortlund reminds us that, like Christ's love for his church, a husband fleshes out his own love as he "nourishes" and "cherishes" his wife.
After all, Paul says, in doing so he is simply loving himself. And who doesn't do that?
Nourishing, Ortlund says, means to "develop, nurture, and lift up."
Paul uses this same word in Ephesians 6:4 as he addresses a father's care for his children: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." In both cases, it's clear men are to give kind, careful attention that leads those in their care to flourish. Instead of being self-focused on their own interests and hobbies, nourishing husbands are always thinking about how they can help their wives thrive.
Cherishing has a different, complementary connotation: "to comfort, warm, or soften (as by heat)", like our word "heartwarming". In 1 Thessalonians 2:7, Paul uses this word again, when he declares, "We were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children."
When a husband cherishes his wife, she feels his tender love in an undeniable way. He prizes her, and she knows it.
My wife, Sharon, and I saw this lived out by Bill and Bonnie, older mentors who founded the campus ministry we grew up under during college. Bill wasn't a flashy or emotional guy, but his quiet love for Bonnie was obvious. He was always expressing gratitude for her and modeling what it means to be thoughtful. One time, as a meeting closed in prayer, he and Bonnie were on opposite sides of the prayer circle. He took a moment to walk around and join Bonnie so they could be next to each other. Another time, Sharon saw Bill notice Bonnie feeling slightly chilly during a cold, Northeast winter. While Sharon didn't notice, he did, and left the room to return with her sweater a few moments later. Bill loved Bonnie like Jesus loves the church, and she—and everyone else—knew it.
Of course, as fallen sinners, often loving our wives doesn't always feel like loving ourselves, which is why Paul reminds us.
9. Biblical Submission Points to a Greater Story
While this article largely focuses on what it means to be a submissive wife, we'd be remiss if we didn't pan out and focus on the much bigger story God is trying to tell through marriage roles. The truth is, it’s not just about marriage—it’s about the gospel.
As Paul puts it,
31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:31-33)
We've seen it so many times that Paul's radical words can lose their impact. In verse 31, he begins with Genesis 2:24, which portrays the one-flesh unity God has given a husband and wife. But then he quickly says this marriage union is more than a marriage: it's a sign pointing to Christ and the church. And then, as if he has ADHD, Paul jumps right back to human marriage, calling husbands to love and wives to respect.
What's going on here?
Paul is saying that marriage and the gospel explain each other, but also that human marriage is merely a window into the greater reality of God's love for us in Christ. This is indeed a great mystery and profound. No one would have figured this out unless God had revealed it!
We need a love that sees us as we are, yet loves us fully anyway. While we can ultimately only find this in Christ, our marriages can somehow point the way to this stunning love. Tim Keller puts it well in The Meaning Of Marriage:
'When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything.'
Biblical Submission, God's Good Plan
While we have focused primarily on submission in this article due to the expansive nature of marriage roles, I hope looking at various Scripture passages has shown that, rather than being a sign of weakness, biblical submission is part of God's glorious plan for depicting the beautiful reality of God's love for us in Christ. And likewise, part of his plan for blessing husbands and wives as well.
As we lean into God's design for our marriages, he will be honored, the watching world will be intrigued, and we will be blessed.
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