‘Well, I’m in a relationship now.’
After many years in ministry to students and young professionals, my wife and I often hear this when we ask how they’re doing. Our first response is to rejoice, remembering how thrilled we were on our first date. Very few things in life are more exciting than a relationship that’s heading toward marriage!
But not all relationships are a good fit.
For example, many Christians would not marry a non-Christian but aren’t so sure when it comes to dating.
Does the bible provide any guidance on dating non-Christians?
The short answer is a resounding ‘yes,’ and it’s clearly discouraged – for our good. We’ll see what the scriptures say, consider the three most likely outcomes when Christians date non-Christians, and discover the best way to end such a relationship.
What – If Anything – Does The Bible Say About Dating A Non-Christian?
Let me get right to the point. Although a word search in Scripture for ‘Christian dating‘ won’t give you any results, it has plenty to say about it.
For example, Paul tells widows that they can marry anyone they like, but ‘only in the Lord’ (1 Corinthians 7:39). In that passage, he also gives advice to unmarried men and women, and it’s fair to assume he would apply that same standard to them.
In 2 Corinthians 6:14, Paul says, ‘Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.’ Although he’s not specifically speaking about marriage, it’s not hard to see that this is one possible application.
Dating An Unbeliever Versus Marrying An Unbeliever
You may be thinking, ‘OK, I get it. As a Christian I shouldn’t marry someone outside of the faith, but I’m just dating. What’s the harm in that?’
Fair question, and one I often hear from younger Christians in particular.
Speaking to the Corinthian church, Paul channels an image from biblical times and his agricultural setting to answer it. At the time, farming tasks were often performed by animals, like oxen, who were joined by a ‘yoke’ that went around their necks (2 Corinthians 6:14).
When animals are first put into the yoke, they (surprise) hate it and pull in different directions. Nothing gets done until they submit to the yoke and learn to work together.
Although a romantic relationship like dating isn’t marriage, it’s the first clear step toward it. In other words, the purpose of dating is to figure out whether you would like to (someday) get married. Which begs another question: what’s the purpose of marriage?
The Apostle Paul tells us in the New Testament. While God designed marriage to give for joy, companionship, and the procreation of children, on an even deeper level, he created it to reflect his relationship with us (Ephesians 5:22-33). If you marry someone who doesn’t follow Jesus, you will always be like two oxen pulling in opposite directions, which will frustrate you both and torpedo the foundation of your marriage.
In other words, it’s not good or fair to either one of you.
Too often, Christians ask, ‘Is dating [this person] a good idea for me?’ While that’s an important question, it’s the wrong question. The second great commandment – loving our neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:39) – means that we must first ask, ‘Will dating [this person] be for good for them?’
If someone does not have the same core commitment to Jesus as we do, I would argue that the relationship will not ultimately be helpful to them. Instead, it is likely to end in deep frustration after they discover the relationship is not truly compatible at the deepest, most foundational level.
But I Could Introduce Them To Jesus
I can hear someone say, though, that dating presents a special opportunity to introduce their boyfriend or girlfriend to Christ. (Some have called this ‘missionary dating’.)
Within the intimacy of the dating relationship, you can introduce them to Jesus, and then you can be on the same page spiritually, too. Right?
There are stories like that. Sure, it could happen to you. Unfortunately, that’s not what usually happens.
As Kathy Keller mentions in this article for The Gospel Coalition, there are three more common outcomes:
1. To be more in line with their unbelieving spouse, the Christian will allow Jesus to become more peripheral.
Not that they would necessarily walk away from Christ altogether, but a lot of Christians may go to church less often, spend less time in bible study or prayer, decrease financial contributions to missionaries, or become less involved at church to maintain unity in the marriage. There’s something deeply destabilizing about hiding, downplaying, or letting go of a core part of who you are.
A non-Christian partner could even lead the believing spouse into Christian compromises and sinful behavior that leads them far away from God. In the Old Testament, this happened to King Solomon in dramatic fashion as foreign women pulled him away from the faith he had as a young man (1 Kings 11:1-13).
Regardless of the degree of drift, a Christian who marries an unbelieving spouse puts his or her personal relationship and the gospel of Jesus Christ at serious risk.
2. If the Christian holds onto a strong relationship with the Lord, the non-Christian marriage partner will become marginalized.
If one partner can’t fully grasp – or support – the importance of following Jesus deeply, life cannot be shared at that level, thus creating distance in the marriage. For example, a Christian spouse may be ‘all in’ at their church, but if their non-Christian spouse doesn’t view church as important, it can become a point of division or mere tolerance at best.
3. So, either the marriage becomes stressed and ends, or it remains intact, but at the cost of an unhappy truce.
Are those the options you want? No matter how in sync you are in terms of common interests, personality, or any number of other characteristics, ultimately, this is probably not going to end well.
This is something I have observed in people I know personally and (way) more than once. The pain, heartbreak, and frustration are personal and real.
At the end of the day, if you are ‘unequally yoked’ (again, see 2 Corinthians 6:14 above), nothing else can truly overcome that. I don’t want that for you or the person you might marry.
Slippery Slope: How Christians End Up Marrying A Non-Christian
In my experience, most Christians already sense that dating a non-Christian is wrong. Or, at least, have some hesitation and uncertainty.
So, why do so many Christians begin dating someone who doesn’t share their faith?
It varies, but a Christian man might begin seeing a woman outside the faith because she’s physically attractive. Let’s be honest: our culture places a huge premium on physical appearance, and guys, being visually oriented, are especially susceptible to falling off the wagon here. (In general, younger Christian men struggle with how to weigh the relative roles of physical appearance and godly character.)
Beyond the physical attraction, maybe she’s open to flirting, and they have some chemistry based on personality. Perhaps they just share a bunch of common interests and just have a great time together.
For many women, it tends to be a little different. This is somewhat anecdotal, but there don’t seem to be that many godly men around. (Which reflects a deeper crisis, but that’s another post.) So, many women who said they’d never date a non-believer start to give up hope.
She meets a genuinely nice non-Christian guy who treats her well, has a good job, has confidence, and generally seems to be a good person. She finds they share common interests, and before she knows it, romantic feelings develop, and they’re several months in.
As time passes, the conscience becomes muted (1 Timothy 1:19; 1 Timothy 4:2), God’s commands seem less compelling, and emotional and physical attachments form. And like finding yourself in the middle of a house of mirrors, it gets harder and harder to find your way out.
If You’re Dating A Non-Christian, What Should You Do?
I want to be sympathetic here. I see why men and women who are ultimately not compatible spiritually end up together. If you’re in a relationship with an unbeliever, please know I’m not judging you or looking down on you (or the person you’re dating).
I also want to be honest: I’ve also seen a few situations with a happy ending. A Christian woman dated, then married, an unbelieving husband. Or, vice-versa, where a Christian man tied the knot with an unbelieving wife. Later on, God rescued the spiritually immature person, sometimes through the example of the more mature spouse. Peter himself recognizes this possibility (1 Peter 3:1-2). At the same time, these few exceptions prove the rule. To put it differently, good results do not justify a bad process.
This is the biblical logic:
- Dating is meant to help you determine whether you should move toward marriage.
- The foundation of a healthy marriage is a real (not perfect) commitment to Christ in both the future husband and wife. Paul commands us to marry only other believers (1 Corinthians 7:39).
- So, why would start traveling down a road we should not continue on?
I believe in God’s word, and I care about you. If you and the person you’re dating have deeply different commitments at the core of your lives, eventually, that will lead to one of the scenarios Kathy Keller describes above.
So, if you’re dating a non-Christian, I want to urge you to end the relationship. Today. I know that may seem like a wild, unnecessary overreaction. Or, maybe pretty scary.
But apart from being in a relationship with Jesus, who we date and ultimately marry, is one of the most important decisions you can make. Even having everything you want in a relationship except Jesus is a flawed, doomed-for-failure relationship. It would be like having your dream car without an engine. Or your dream house without a kitchen. If you’re honest, it just can’t work in the long run.
Will you pray about it and ask God for clarity and help? Right now?
When You’re Ready
If you’re ready to break off the relationship, here are some steps that should help.
1. Do it now.
I’m not saying you must text your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance(e) before you finish this sentence. But reading this post is an opportunity for freedom, so commit – to yourself – to end the relationship and decide when you will do it.
2. Get support.
Whenever we do something hard, we need help and support to follow through. So reach out to some believing friends. A mentor. Your pastor. Pour out your heart and your fear, and ask for prayer. Tell them when you plan to end the relationship and invite them to follow up.
3. Have a plan.
After you end the relationship, there’s going to be a huge vacuum in your life. Everything will be pulling you back in, away from the freedom you’ve just begun to taste. Surround yourself with people who will remind you that you made a good decision. Go out and have fun with friends. Make sure you go to a solid church each week, and find a way to have meaningful relationships outside of Sunday morning. Find ways to give and serve so that you’re focused there instead of on what you’ve lost.
4. Lean into the Lord.
I know this can sound like a cliche. But you have a Savior who understands. His closest friends ran away at the end of his life when he needed them most (Mark 14:50). His own Father ignored him while he hung on the cross (Mark 15:34). Yes, it was for us, but the closest relationship that ever existed was broken for three horrific days. Jesus knows what you’re facing and then some. And he invites you to ‘cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you’ (1 Peter 5:7).
It’s also worth developing a stronger biblical foundation. Familiarize yourself with the passages in this post and pray through them, begging God to make them real – not just facts – to you. Badger God until the love of Christ means so much to you that you’re unwilling to compromise the Christian values you hold dear.
More could be said, but I’m going to stop there. Please know I’m praying for you to have courage and to experience Christ’s love for you in a very real, practical way.
I can’t promise you that making the right decision will magically lead Mr. or Mrs. Right to appear out of nowhere. But if you will trust God in this area of your life, you will be rewarded with freedom and a growing closeness to God that you haven’t experienced in quite some time.
And you’ll be on your way, again, to being the kind of person another godly person will want to marry.
Your turn: If you’re in a relationship with someone outside the faith, when will you end it? What will finding support, making a plan, and leaning into God look like specifically for you?
Related content:
- dating relationships where both people are Christians, but one is significantly more mature than the other
- what marriage is all about, and why it matters
- I’ve created an entire online video course to help Christian guys get ready for healthy dating relationships and marriage. More than anything, it’s essential to have an intentional plan.
Thank you for this reminder! Earlier this year I was interested in a guy and it wasn’t until the second date that I found out he wasn’t a Christian. I told him right away that I couldn’t continue seeing him. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and while I know it was the right decision I still struggle with it.
Hey Anna, thanks for reading and sharing your experience. I’m sorry it’s been so painful, but I’m glad you found out and had the strength to end it. Praying that God will help you find the right guy in time.
That’s being judgemental, too! I would TOTALLY date a non-christian woman. I have before, several times. They ended because I wasn’t ready to marry when they wanted. Had NOTHING to do with being unequally yoked.
I will end it now.the sooner the better.for cannot be yoked together with the unbeliever also its tougher and very hard to get genuine repentance from a non believer in this case as pretending can be the order of the day trying to eye- please the other
Hi Shupikai, I hope you and your partner have been clear with each other about where you stand in terms of your faith commitments, and based on your comment, it sounds like perhaps you have. Either way, when someone who is Christian dates someone who is not, significant compromises need to be made, which is unhealthy for both persons. So, I pray God gives you the grace to lovingly end the relationship.
Sorry, but not dating someone just because they aren’t a christian is VERY judgemental and discriminatory. PAUL is the one that said not to be unequally yoked. . . God or Jesus did NOT say that, therefore, I don’t care what Paul says. As long as God or Jesus didn’t say that, then it’s perfectly fine!
Hi Jeremy, thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. It sounds like you don’t view what Paul said as scripture/having the same authority as what Jesus said.
However, in Acts 9:1-19, Jesus personally appeared to Paul and commissioned him to be his witness. In addition, the other apostles – including Jesus’s brother James – approved of Paul and his teaching (Galatians 2:1-10). Finally, the apostle Peter calls Paul his ‘beloved brother’ and says his writings are ‘scripture,’ saying they are filled with wisdom [from God].
We can also approach this from the angle of what Jesus taught. Since Jesus did not write any of the biblical books directly, we primarily have his words as mediated through the writers of the gospels. Is there a reason you would trust the gospel writers more than Paul or Peter? (Honestly asking.)
So, I’m suggesting that, while there are 66 books in the bible, they are all ultimately written by God through their human authors (see, e.g., 2 Peter 1:20-21), which means we should give equal weight to what Jesus and Paul say, including what Paul says regarding who we marry.
I’m not sure when to end my relationship with my ome year non-christian boyfriend I thought that me and him have common interests. But I’m not comfortable that he’s not a christian I don’t know what to do in this situation.
The fact that he doesn’t want to become an christian I tried everything in everything that I’ve done to try to change his mind but nothing worked.
Hi Jessica, thanks for reading and sorry for my slower response. (I’ve been away.) I am glad you are wrestling with your relationship with your non-Christian boyfriend, and can see why it would be hard to end it, especially after being with him for a year.
His resistance to becoming a Christian certainly seems to indicate he is unlikely to change, but it also means you know where he stands. (Sometimes non-Christians will have mild spiritual interest and not make that clear in an effort to stay in the relationship, which creates problems down the road, especially after marriage.) In other words, he’s being honest with you.
The longer you stay in the relationship, the harder it will become to end. And, you will ultimately have to face the choice of whether you will marry someone God lovingly commands you not to (e.g., 1 Corinthians 7:39).
I know that ending the relationship is SO much easier said than done and I am truly sympathetic to your situation. That said, for your (and your boyfriend’s) benefit and God’s honor – Christian marriage is meant to portray God’s relationship with us through Christ (Ephesians 5:31-33) – I believe ending the relationship as soon as possible is best.
I’m currently dating a non Christian girl, but she seems to show interest in Jesus. She has been going to church with me and praying and says she wants to become a Christian not just for me but for herself, but she says it’s gonna take a while for her to learn to believe. But I also feel that she leads me away from Christ sometimes in her actions and words. I’ve been praying and I know it’s probably for the best to end it but it’s very difficult to know what to do.
Hi Reed, sorry for missing this somehow until now. It’s wonderful that your girlfriend wants to become a Christian for the right reasons; it sounds like God is using you to help her on her journey. Maturing in faith takes time, so it’s not surprising that sometimes her words and actions do not point you to Christ. Even if she were to become a Christian, that would likely be an unfolding journey. (And, of course, all of us still mirror Jesus so imperfectly!)
I think your instincts to end the relationship are good. It’s simply not possible to picture Jesus and his love for us, his church, with someone who is not a Christian. Even if she were to put her trust in Jesus today, it would likely take some time before you felt secure in her commitment. In addition, if you are substantially more mature spiritually, it might create a parent-child dynamic where she struggles to engage with you on an equal footing, which would not be good for either of you.
For these reasons, I suggest continuing the relationship simply as friends if that is possible. (It may be too hard for now.) If she were to go all-in with Jesus and grow quickly in her faith, perhaps it could work out down the road. Feel free to write back with any thoughts or questions; I will pray for God to give you wisdom to do what is best.
(If there are any) What are some pros and cons to dating a non-christian? I’m doing this debate for my Christian school and I’m trying to get a visual so I can better my points.
Hi Isaac, thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate you researching this question for your school’s debate.
I’ll be honest: I don’t believe there are any true ‘pros’ to dating a non-Christian. I’ve outlined the ‘cons’ in my article, but they include starting something you shouldn’t pursue to the end (marriage), and the guilt and shame that go along with doing something you know, deep down, doesn’t honor God. In addition, there are various, more serious challenges after marriage, such as the possible outcomes – the Christian putting his/her faith on the back burner, or, the non-Christian feeling marginalized.
That said, since some Christians do date non-Christians, there are perceived benefits. I think many end up doing this because it simply allows them to be with someone they are attracted to in some way. It might be physical attraction, common interests, or a kind of chemistry, so to speak. Others feel that, while faith in Christ is one important factor in a relationship, it’s not the only (or most) important one. Still others look around and don’t see any godly men or women at their church or friend circles. That can be discouraging and removing the requirement of dating only believers allows them to widen their options. Finally, some Christians hope to see their boy/girlfriend come to faith and feel that a close relationship like dating is the best way to encourage that.
While I can understand how people get there, you can probably guess I do not see these as real pros for the reasons I share in my article. I’d be interested to hear what others at your school say as you hold the debate. Feel free to write back with any questions or thoughts you may have.