Should Christians Consider Dating A Non-Christian?

‘Well, I’m in a relationship now.’

After many years in ministry to students and young professionals, my wife and I often hear this when we ask how they’re doing.  Our first response is to rejoice, remembering how thrilled we were on our first date.  Very few things in life are more exciting than a relationship that’s heading toward marriage!

But not all relationships are a good fit.

For example, many Christians would not marry a non-Christian but aren’t so sure when it comes to dating.

Does the bible provide any guidance on dating non-Christians?

The short answer is a resounding ‘yes,’ and it’s clearly discouraged – for our good. We’ll see what the scriptures say, consider the three most likely outcomes when Christians date non-Christians, and discover the best way to end such a relationship.

What – If Anything – Does The Bible Say About Dating A Non-Christian?

Let me get right to the point.  Although a word search in Scripture for ‘Christian dating‘ won’t give you any results, it has plenty to say about it.

For example, Paul tells widows that they can marry anyone they like, but ‘only in the Lord’ (1 Corinthians 7:39).  In that passage, he also gives advice to unmarried men and women, and it’s fair to assume he would apply that same standard to them.

In 2 Corinthians 6:14, Paul says, ^‘Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.’  Although he’s not specifically speaking about marriage, it’s not hard to see that this is one possible application.

Dating An Unbeliever Versus Marrying An Unbeliever

You may be thinking, ‘OK, I get it.  As a Christian I shouldn’t marry someone outside of the faith, but I’m just dating.  What’s the harm in that?’

Fair question, and one I often hear from younger Christians in particular.

Speaking to the Corinthian church, Paul channels an image from biblical times and his agricultural setting to answer it.  At the time, farming tasks were often performed by animals, like oxen, who were joined by a ‘yoke’ that went around their necks (2 Corinthians 6:14).

When animals are first put into the yoke, they (surprise) hate it and pull in different directions. Nothing gets done until they submit to the yoke and learn to work together.

Although a romantic relationship like dating isn’t marriage, it’s the first clear step toward it.  In other words, the purpose of dating is to figure out whether you would like to (someday) get married. Which begs another question: what’s the purpose of marriage?

The Apostle Paul tells us in the New Testament. While God designed marriage to give for joy, companionship, and the procreation of children, on an even deeper level, he created it to reflect his relationship with us (Ephesians 5:22-33). If you marry someone who doesn’t follow Jesus, you will always be like two oxen pulling in opposite directions, which will frustrate you both and torpedo the foundation of your marriage.

In other words, it’s not good or fair to either one of you.

Too often, Christians ask, ‘Is dating [this person] a good idea for me?’ While that’s an important question, it’s the wrong question. The second great commandment – loving our neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:39) – means that we must first ask, ‘Will dating [this person] be for good for them?’

If someone does not have the same core commitment to Jesus as we do, I would argue that the relationship will not ultimately be helpful to them. Instead, it is likely to end in deep frustration after they discover the relationship is not truly compatible at the deepest, most foundational level.

But I Could Introduce Them To Jesus

I can hear someone say, though, that dating presents a special opportunity to introduce their boyfriend or girlfriend to Christ. (Some have called this ‘missionary dating’.)

Within the intimacy of the dating relationship, you can introduce them to Jesus, and then you can be on the same page spiritually, too. Right?

There are stories like that. Sure, it could happen to you. Unfortunately, that’s not what usually happens.

As Kathy Keller mentions in this article for The Gospel Coalition, there are three more common outcomes:

1. To be more in line with their unbelieving spouse, the Christian will allow Jesus to become more peripheral.

Not that they would necessarily walk away from Christ altogether, but a lot of Christians may go to church less often, spend less time in bible study or prayer, decrease financial contributions to missionaries, or become less involved at church to maintain unity in the marriage. There’s something deeply destabilizing about hiding, downplaying, or letting go of a core part of who you are.

A non-Christian partner could even lead the believing spouse into Christian compromises and sinful behavior that leads them far away from God. In the Old Testament, this happened to King Solomon in dramatic fashion as foreign women pulled him away from the faith he had as a young man (1 Kings 11:1-13).

Regardless of the degree of drift, a Christian who marries an unbelieving spouse puts his or her personal relationship and the gospel of Jesus Christ at serious risk.

2. If the Christian holds onto a strong relationship with the Lord, the non-Christian marriage partner will become marginalized.

If one partner can’t fully grasp – or support – the importance of following Jesus deeply, life cannot be shared at that level, thus creating distance in the marriage. For example, a Christian spouse may be ‘all in’ at their church, but if their non-Christian spouse doesn’t view church as important, it can become a point of division or mere tolerance at best.

3. So, either the marriage becomes stressed and ends, or it remains intact, but at the cost of an unhappy truce.

Are those the options you want? No matter how in sync you are in terms of common interests, personality, or any number of other characteristics, ultimately, this is probably not going to end well.

This is something I have observed in people I know personally and (way) more than once. The pain, heartbreak, and frustration are personal and real.

At the end of the day, if you are ‘unequally yoked’ (again, see 2 Corinthians 6:14 above), nothing else can truly overcome that. I don’t want that for you or the person you might marry.

Slippery Slope: How Christians End Up Marrying A Non-Christian

In my experience, most Christians already sense that dating a non-Christian is wrong. Or, at least, have some hesitation and uncertainty.

So, why do so many Christians begin dating someone who doesn’t share their faith?

It varies, but a Christian man might begin seeing a woman outside the faith because she’s physically attractive. Let’s be honest: our culture places a huge premium on physical appearance, and guys, being visually oriented, are especially susceptible to falling off the wagon here. (In general, younger Christian men struggle with how to weigh the relative roles of physical appearance and godly character.)

Beyond the physical attraction, maybe she’s open to flirting, and they have some chemistry based on personality.  Perhaps they just share a bunch of common interests and just have a great time together.

For many women, it tends to be a little different.  This is somewhat anecdotal, but there don’t seem to be that many godly men around.  (Which reflects a deeper crisis, but that’s another post.)  So, many women who said they’d never date a non-believer start to give up hope.

She meets a genuinely nice non-Christian guy who treats her well, has a good job, has confidence, and generally seems to be a good person. She finds they share common interests, and before she knows it, romantic feelings develop, and they’re several months in.

As time passes, the conscience becomes muted (1 Timothy 1:19; 1 Timothy 4:2), God’s commands seem less compelling, and emotional and physical attachments form.  And like finding yourself in the middle of a house of mirrors, it gets harder and harder to find your way out.

If You’re Dating A Non-Christian, What Should You Do?

I want to be sympathetic here.  I see why men and women who are ultimately not compatible spiritually end up together.  If you’re in a relationship with an unbeliever, please know I’m not judging you or looking down on you (or the person you’re dating).

I also want to be honest: I’ve also seen a few situations with a happy ending. A Christian woman dated, then married, an unbelieving husband. Or, vice-versa, where a Christian man tied the knot with an unbelieving wife. Later on, God rescued the spiritually immature person, sometimes through the example of the more mature spouse. Peter himself recognizes this possibility (1 Peter 3:1-2). At the same time, these few exceptions prove the rule. To put it differently, good results do not justify a bad process.

This is the biblical logic:

• Dating is meant to help you determine whether you should move toward marriage.
• The foundation of a healthy marriage is a real (not perfect) commitment to Christ in both the future husband and wife. Paul commands us to marry only other believers (1 Corinthians 7:39).
• So, why would start traveling down a road we should not continue on?

I believe in God’s word, and I care about you.  If you and the person you’re dating have deeply different commitments at the core of your lives, eventually, that will lead to one of the scenarios Kathy Keller describes above.

So, if you’re dating a non-Christian, I want to urge you to end the relationship.  Today.  I know that may seem like a wild, unnecessary overreaction. Or, maybe pretty scary.

But apart from being in a relationship with Jesus, who we date and ultimately marry, is one of the most important decisions you can make. Even having everything you want in a relationship except Jesus is a flawed, doomed-for-failure relationship. It would be like having your dream car without an engine. Or your dream house without a kitchen. If you’re honest, it just can’t work in the long run.

Will you pray about it and ask God for clarity and help? Right now?

When You’re Ready

If you’re ready to break off the relationship, here are some steps that should help.

1. Do it now.

I’m not saying you must text your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance(e) before you finish this sentence.  But reading this post is an opportunity for freedom, so commit – to yourself – to end the relationship and decide when you will do it.

2. Get support.  

Whenever we do something hard, we need help and support to follow through.  So reach out to some believing friends.  A mentor.  Your pastor.  Pour out your heart and your fear, and ask for prayer.  Tell them when you plan to end the relationship and invite them to follow up.

3. Have a plan.

After you end the relationship, there’s going to be a huge vacuum in your life.  Everything will be pulling you back in, away from the freedom you’ve just begun to taste.  Surround yourself with people who will remind you that you made a good decision.  Go out and have fun with friends.  Make sure you go to a solid church each week, and find a way to have meaningful relationships outside of Sunday morning.  Find ways to give and serve so that you’re focused there instead of on what you’ve lost.

4. Lean into the Lord.

I know this can sound like a cliche.  But you have a Savior who understands.  His closest friends ran away at the end of his life when he needed them most (Mark 14:50).  His own Father ignored him while he hung on the cross (Mark 15:34).  Yes, it was for us, but the closest relationship that ever existed was broken for three horrific days.  Jesus knows what you’re facing and then some.  And he invites you to ‘cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you’ (1 Peter 5:7).

It’s also worth developing a stronger biblical foundation. Familiarize yourself with the passages in this post and pray through them, begging God to make them real – not just facts – to you. Badger God until the love of Christ means so much to you that you’re unwilling to compromise the Christian values you hold dear.

More could be said, but I’m going to stop there.  Please know I’m praying for you to have courage and to experience Christ’s love for you in a very real, practical way.

I can’t promise you that making the right decision will magically lead Mr. or Mrs. Right to appear out of nowhere. But if you will trust God in this area of your life, you will be rewarded with freedom and a growing closeness to God that you haven’t experienced in quite some time.

And you’ll be on your way, again, to being the kind of person another godly person will want to marry.

Your turn: If you’re in a relationship with someone outside the faith, when will you end it?  What will finding support, making a plan, and leaning into God look like specifically for you?

Related content:

• dating relationships where both people are Christians, but one is significantly more mature than the other
• what marriage is all about, and why it matters
• I’ve created an entire online video course to help Christian guys get ready for healthy dating relationships and marriage. More than anything, it’s essential to have an intentional plan.