The Best Premarital Counseling Books & Resources

Are you and your fiance(e) getting ready to tie the knot? Before you say 'I do,' it's essential to equip yourselves with the necessary tools to build a strong foundation for your marriage. Thankfully, there are plenty of Christian premarital counseling books and resources available to help you navigate this exciting but challenging journey. 

My goal with this post is to help you - and Christian leaders - navigate the seemingly endless options so you can quickly decide which ones might fit you. And, to point you to some resources that go beyond the books and study guides to include devotionals, online courses and assessments. You're likely to find something - perhaps somethings - that will help you on your way.

The Benefits Of Premarital Counseling & Preparation

Before we get into all the resources, though, I just want to let you know that premarital counseling is absolutely worth it. 

• Roughly 40-50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce.
• Couples who did premarital counseling experienced 30% greater marital success than those who did not.
• Premarital counseling allows couples to see (and work on) their blind spots, raise their honest questions and concerns, and get feedback and get personal insight from a pastor, ministry leader, counselor, or therapist. 

Don't stop, don't pass go (get married), until you do it!

Let's move on to premarital resources that will get you ready for a marriage that honors God, blesses your future spouse, and brings you joy.

Essential Premarital Counseling Reads

If you're looking for best premarital counseling books, there are several books that come highly recommended and guide you as you seek to do marriage God's way.

The Bible

Often the most important things are hiding in plain sight. There's no other resource on this - or any - list that was written by God himself. Because God is its ultimate author, it has special insight nothing else can offer.

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. ¹³ Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. (Hebrews 4:12-13)

And yet, there are a ton of premarital resources out there that don't And yet, there are a ton of premarital resources out there that don't build upon a biblical foundation, or, only do so in a superficial way. I've been guilty of not using scripture enough in my own premarital counseling. Don't get me wrong: these other resources can still be very helpful but are inherently incomplete, especially as the realities of marriage set in.

Make sure you look to scripture for wisdom directly, but also for at least one resource - and a counselor - that understands just how important it is. This alone will go a long way toward preventing divorce, and the adultery and cheating that often cause it.

The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller

The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller is an essential read and my go-to book for premarital counseling, offering practical insights and guidance on the true purpose and significance of marriage. 

As always, Keller does a great job using scripture in creative, but faithful ways as he helps couples avoid the twin errors of worldly and fundamentalist perspectives on marriage to find the third, better way God offers us.

He's obviously done his homework, so to speak, and offers a ton of interesting examples from historical and current figures, and cites helpful statistics along the way. 

His chapters on 'The Essence of Marriage' and 'Loving The Stranger' are especially helpful. In the former, he contrasts biblical marriage's covenantal nature with the consumer, shopping list mentality that comes to us much more naturally. He spends significant time unpacking what God's covenant love means for us, highlighting the power of the promises we make with our vows and deciding to love our spouse, even when we may not feel like it.

'Loving The Stranger' starts out with an amazing quote by Stanley Hauerwas:

We always marry the wrong person.

We never know whom we marry; we just think we do.  Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change.  For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it.  The primary problem is…learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.

 It may sound depressing, but Hauerwas - and Keller - are just being realistic. They're just saying marriage changes both you and your spouse. What it was in the beginning is not what it will be in the middle or end. It will get better if we let God work in us, but this realism helps us set reasonable expectations that will help us weather the storms marriage will bring. 

Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs To Make by Paul Tripp

To build a strong and lasting marriage, Tripp says, you and your partner must make six gospel commitments, as outlined in his book 'Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs To Make' by Paul Tripp. These commitments will provide you with a practical vision of a Christ-centered marriage and help you navigate the challenges that may arise.

Here are the key commitments in miniature form. We will... 

1. ...give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.
2. ...make growth and change our daily agenda.
3. ...work together to build a steady bond of trust.
4. ...commit to building a relationship of love.
5. ...deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.
6. ...work to protect our marriage.

Like Keller, Tripp brings a strong focus on God's word and realism, yet brings a special focus on the need for, and provision of, God's grace. He was a counselor for many years, so he understands the day-in, day-out, nitty-gritty of marriage. 

Tying The Knot by Rob Green

In 'Tying The Knot' by Rob Green, I appreciate his heart to steer couples away from both the 'fairy tale' and 'doom' models of marriage we hear in the larger culture. He reminds us that we can have a successful, Christ-centered marriage if we are intentional.

The book has the right focus for marriage preparation and building a strong foundation in your relationship. That is, Jesus must the center and focus, which the very first chapter makes plain. He also includes chapters on 'problem-solving' and 'community,' which many premarital resources don't address.  

I like how he provides roughly an hour of 'homework' in-between sessions so couples can apply what they learned in the chapters themselves. It's enough, but not too much. There are questions and exercises for each chapter, too.

you'll discover essential premarital counseling reads that provide practical insights and guidance for building a strong foundation in your relationship. This book serves as a step-by-step guide to thorough premarital counseling, offering crucial lessons for a successful marriage.

With his expertise as a pastor and counselor, Green offers practical advice and exercises to help couples navigate these areas and establish a solid framework for their future together.

Things I'd Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married by Gary Chapman

Dr. Gary Chapman has an amazing wealth of experience as a marriage counselor, and in 'Things I'd Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married,' he shares - wait for it - the things he wishes he had known before he got married. 😉

In all seriousness, though, these are things younger couples don't know - indeed, can't know - early on. Chapman goes through 12 marriage secrets, including: 

• being 'in love' isn't a strong enough foundation for your marriage
• disagreements and fights can be resolved without (unhealthy) arguing
• forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling
• mutual sexual fulfillment is often elusive (and frustrating for both spouses)

He also devotes a chapter to developing a healthy dating relationship, and this book excels as a practical guide as couples seek to lay a proper foundation at the outset of this lifelong commitment.

Marriage Matters by Winston T. Smith

Marriage Matters is a great book that lays out a practical vision of Christ-centered marriage. I had the privilege of taking an online (albeit recorded) class with Winston, essentially this book in a class format. The book, like the class, is filled with scripture, good stories, and a no-nonsense yet winsome tone. 

One of the things I really like is his application of non-marriage bible passages to marriage. He basically says that any passage about relationships is applicable to our marriages because, after all, marriage is simply one kind of relationship. (I know, duh, but it's so simple you can miss it.) So, instead of limiting ourselves to the Song of Solomon and a few chapters from Paul's epistles, all of a sudden, massive portions of scripture open up before us.

The other unique thing about this book is its emphasis on living like Christ in the everyday, mundane moments of life. They don't feel big, but if we act like Jesus in them with our spouse, they are huge and will add up to a healthy marriage.

Preparing For Marriage: Help For Christian Couples by John Piper

'Preparing For Marriage: Help For Christian Couples' by John Piper is a comprehensive resource that provides invaluable guidance for Christian couples as they embark on the journey of marriage.

The strength of this book is the way it points young couples to God's vision for marriage. When we're dating or engaged, it's so easy to become focused on the person we're about to marry. While it should be a wonderful, joyful time, placing your greatest attention on God himself will actually bring you more joy and better prepare you for your wedding day and beyond. 

That said, this book does cover the essential premarital counseling topics like engagement, wedding planning, finances and sex. It also offers 55 questions couples can ask each other, and an appendix on being hospitable, something I haven't seen in any other book or resource.

With its insightful, God-centered teachings, 'Preparing For Marriage' is a great resource for couples who desire to approach marriage in a way that aligns with God's design.

When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey

When diving into essential premarital counseling, 'When Sinners Say I Do' by Dave Harvey offers valuable insights for couples navigating the complexities and challenges of marriage. This book is has depth yet is very readable, and Dave writes with his characteristic humility, honesty, and humor. 

This book, like his other books, does a great job balancing the two great realities of the Christian life:

• Understanding Our Sinful Nature: Harvey emphasizes the importance of recognizing our own flaws and sinful tendencies. (And, talks a lot about his own.) By acknowledging our imperfections, we can approach our spouse with humility and grace. He encourages couples to cultivate a culture of confession and forgiveness, which leads to an environment of growth and healing.
• Pursuing Gospel-Centered Love: The book highlights the significance of centering our relationships on the gospel. Harvey explains how embracing God's love and extending it to our spouse can transform our marriage. He provides practical strategies for building intimacy, fostering effective communication, and resolving conflicts with a gospel-centered approach.

This book has been around for a while and has stood the test of time. I definitely recommend it.

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Hold Me Tight is basically a lay-level discussion of attachment theory applied to relationships. While I think attachment theory has its shortcomings, it contains significant strands of truth, and Johnson rightly sees we are attached to, and dependent upon, our partner and that a healthy emotional connection with them is critical. (It's also much harder than it seems during engagement!) 

While this book isn't faith-based, there are a ton of practical nuggets here that are very valuable within a larger Christian framework. For example:

• common negative communication patterns ('Demon Dialogues') and how to break out of them
• revisiting difficult moments
• healing traumatic wounds

Getting Ready For Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields

Although I've only read Getting Ready For Marriage in part, I've seen it highly recommended a few times. The authors have a nearly unbelievable amount of experience between them, having written roughly 100 books. 

They are honest, humble, and often funny as they tell many engaging stories and cover the key premarital topics. While the book is definitely written from a Christian perspective and references scripture, these are not quite as front and center as some of the other books on this list, so just bear that in mind. There are many helpful exercises and illustrations that make the concepts they're communicating easy to understand and digest.

Shorter Resources

If you're short on time but still want valuable premarital counseling resources, here are a few shorter options to consider. They aren't enough, by themselves, to prepare you for marriage, but they're a great start.

'Pre-Engagement: 5 Questions To Ask Yourselves' by David Powlison and John Yenchko

This five-question resource provides a concise guide to help you explore important topics before getting engaged. David Powlison was an amazing man of God, and seasoned counselor, and anything he says is worth listening to.

'Should We Get Married? How To Evaluate Your Relationship' by William P. Smith 

Smith's booklet offers practical advice for assessing the health and true compatibility of your relationship. It will help you discern the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship so you can figure out whether to move forward or slow down a bit.

'Marriage: Whose Dream?' by Paul Tripp 

This fantastic resource delves into the importance of aligning your dreams and expectations with God's and each other in marriage. It will help you have realistic expectations so you can avoid disappointments.

All three of these resources can be read in 30 minutes and will create great conversations between you and your partner.

Workbooks & Devotionals for Meaningful Discussions

Looking for workbooks and devotionals to engage in meaningful discussions with your partner? 

These are important because they help you process and apply what you're learning in the resources and books. Otherwise, it can go in one ear and out the other without transforming you or your relationship. Honestly, that can be nearly as dangerous as doing nothing because you feel like you're preparing for marriage when all you're doing is filling your heads with knowledge. #EndOfRant 😂

Here are three good options.

The Meaning Of Marriage Video Study & Guide: A Vision For Single & Married People by Tim & Kathy Keller

While the book is fantastic, some of you may prefer the video study and study guide, which are designed to go together. There are six sessions, which could be used by individual couples or in a small group setting.

The six sessions, each 20-25 minutes, include:

• Service: Marriage Isn't about You
• Covenant: Created to Make Promises
• Roles: Loving through Mutual Submission
• Singleness: Strengthening the Spiritual Family
• Sex: The Act of Covenant Renewal
• Hope: Seeing the Great Horizon

If the video series is out of stock, or you'd just like to have the book too, you can pick them both up, along with the study guide, with this package.

The Meaning Of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional by Tim Keller

At the risk of sounding like a fanboy, I'm including this devotional, based on the book, too. It was written about 10 years after the book, so it expands on it and also contains the wisdom Tim and Kathy picked up in the years after the book was released. 

It contains stories, bible verses and prayer prompts couples can use over the course of an entire year. 

When Sinners Say I Do Study Guide by Dave Harvey

This study guide is, unsurprisingly, designed to help you apply what you learn in the book. It can be used by individual couples or multiple couples in a small group format. Each chapter has a one-page summary of key points for easy application and recall.

Premarital Seminar Manual by Redeemer Presbyterian Church

The 'Premarital Seminar Manual' by Redeemer Presbyterian Church may have a vanilla name, but inside it's Triple Chocolate Ricotta Ice Cream. Eh, you get the point. This is a digital download and chock full of really rich content, including the following topics:

• Biblical Institution of Marriage: Its Essence and Purposes
• Should I marry this person? Leaving and Cleaving 
• Love: Its Nature and Forms
• Communication, Conflict and Forgiveness
• Husbands and Wives: Role and Relationships
• Sex and Marriage

There are also a bunch of great, interactive exercises including a 'marriageable inventory,' conflict analysis and exercise on marriage roles. You can also look at a free sample before you buy.

Online Courses & Curriculums Ready To Wed

Some people would rather learn online or prefer digital resources. Here are four solid options to get you started. 

Christian Premarital Counseling Kit by Focus on the Family

If you're seeking a comprehensive Christian premarital counseling program, the online courses and curriculums offered by Focus on the Family's Ready To Wed Kit is an excellent resource to consider. 

This kit includes:

• 10 Sessions on Two DVD’s
• One Leaders Guide
• Two Participants Guides
• One Ready to Wed book

One strength of this kit is that multiple people, each an expert in their area, contributed to the material. In addition to the usual topics, it also covers how to handle chores, honoring your spouse, the differences between men and women, dealing with stress and crises, and how to have a great first year of marriage.

How To Prepare For Marriage: A Course For Christian Men by Bryan Stoudt

The How To Prepare For Marriage Course is an online premarital guide for Christian men looking to prepare for marriage and created by... me. 😊

Over the years, in my work with younger men, I've noticed there aren't nearly enough resources for them as they get ready for marriage. So, I decided to do something about it by creating a online video course with everything I wish someone had told me. (I'm sure my wife wishes this had been around, too!)

The course includes these four essential topics for Christian men:

• pursuing God above all else
• becoming a godly man
• engaging in biblical community
• overcoming sexual sin and pursuing biblical purity

I've divided the course up into four modules, which you can purchase individually, or, all at once for a reduced price. There are worksheets and links to other resources with each lesson.

Marriage Core Seminar by Capitol Hill Baptist Church

As you continue your journey towards preparing for marriage, consider exploring the Marriage Core Seminar offered by Capitol Hill Baptist Church.  This seminar is designed to provide engaged or newly married couples with a solid foundation for their marriage.

This course is available fully online and covers all the essential Christian premarital and marriage topics. Here are a few things it covers that are unique, or, covered from a different angle:

• Biblical roles: strong teaching on God's good design in putting men and women, with all their differences, together in marriage
• Beauty in marriage: God's design for it, what threatens it, and how to overcome the threats
• Marriage and children: for some reason, most premarital materials don't cover kids in any way. But of course, if you get married, they are always a possibility! 
• Infertility: another topic commonly overlooked
• Death, Divorce and Disillusionment: every marriage will end, so it's wise to prepare for it from the beginning

The entire course, with handouts and complete manuscripts, is available online for free.

Merge Premarital Materials by Watermark Church

Merge Premarital Materials by Watermark Church is a comprehensive premarital program designed to equip engaged couples with practical tools and biblical principles for building a strong foundation for their marriage. 

It covers all the typical topics and premarital issues in an 8-week class. The thing that distinguishes this course, available online for free, is that it's extremely well-organized and visually-appealing. Each lesson/class comes with worksheets, handouts, slides (Keynote and Power Point), videos and audio.

To access the materials, go here, then click on 'leader resources' toward the top. You have to create a free account, and then you're set. 

Counselor Recommendations Tips for finding a compatible counselor for your needs

Books and resources are important, but meeting with an actual premarital counselor is the secret sauce to Christian premarital counseling that actually works. Yes, a qualified counselor is easily among the most valuable resources in your premarital process.

Here are some tips to help you find one:

• Ask friends, family, or colleagues who've gone through premarital counseling for their recommendations. They may also have knowledge of resources like a pastor's guide or a premarital counseling handbook. (Although, thanks to this article, you should be set there. 😉)
• Reach out to your church, as many churches and religious organizations have premarital counselors available or can provide recommendations.
• If you can meet with a married couple - not just a man or woman, that's ideal. Especially if you know them well enough to know you'd like your marriage to look like theirs. Talk to them ahead of time about what they plan on covering, and let them know if there are gaps you'd like to fill in. You might even suggest they use one of the resources above.
• If you're coming from a Christian perspective, it's important to receive premarital counseling that's clearly Christian, too. There are quality secular resources out there, but they will not be as helpful as you and your fiance(e) seek to build your relationship around Christ.
• For more free resources, check out the Premarital Counseling & Engagement page on my site.

Extra Tools

If you're looking to enhance your premarital counseling experience, there are a few extra tools that can help you and your partner delve deeper into your relationship.

Here are four examples you may find helpful.

Prayer

I don't like putting this in a list of 'extra tools' because it might give the impression prayer is an add-on, a bonus tool we use if we get around to it. But, it didn't naturally fall anywhere else. 

It's a bit more nuanced than this, but basically, God talks to us through the Bible, and we have the privilege of talking to him through prayer. While prayer is really just a conversation, it connects us with the Lord and Savior of the universe, 'who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us' (Ephesians 3:20)!

The ability to talk to God our Father at any time, about anything, means there is always hope for areas we need growth in our relationship and much, much more. Pray about your relationship often with God, your partner and trusted others.

Biblical Community

This is kind of like prayer: essential, but overlooked. The New Testament's 'one another' passages insist that meaningful relationships with other believers is essential to our growth and health. This is especially true during dating and engagement when couples tend to get isolated.

Conversation starter card decks

Start engaging and meaningful conversations with your partner using conversation starter card decks, a helpful tool for premarital counseling. These decks are designed to provide couples with a structured way to delve into important topics and build a strong foundation for a great marriage.

Here are some suggestions:

1. 101 Conversation Starters For Couples by Gary Chapman and Ramon Presson - pretty self-explanatory, but they have over 800 4.5 Star reviews on Amazon and should help you get the conversation going.
2. Journey of the Soul (Soul Talk) Cards by Bill and Kristi Gaultiere - these cards include a scripture verse and question or reflection for conversation. 
3. 50 Date Night Questions For Couples by Dr. Carol Ministries. These are explicitly Christian. A few of them involve sex, so won't be appropriate for pre-married couples, but nearly all will be. Also, these are free as they are simply listed online.

Mobile apps

Although not as common, there are mobile apps that can enhance your premarital counseling experience and provide you with extra tools to strengthen your relationship.

One highly recommended app is 'The 5 Love Languages' or 'Love Nudge' app by Dr. Gary Chapman. While it's only tangentially faith-based, it's fairly sophisticated. It will help you and your partner assess your love languages, and you can use the app individually or as a team. After you know your partner's love language, the app can give you recommendations and reminders to help meet their desires. You can even track your progress.

Another great app is 'Before You Say I Do' by Dr. Norman Wright. It offers a premarital counseling handbook with interactive features, including quizzes and exercises to help you navigate important topics like finances and communication. Currently, it only appears to be available for Android.

For couples looking to improve their financial compatibility, 'EveryDollar' by Dave Ramsey is a fantastic app. It helps you track your budget and financial goals as a couple, ensuring a solid financial future. There's a free version, but the premium version does much more.

Explore these apps and find the ones that best meet your needs as a couple.

Assessments and Inventories

Are you looking for a way to get a quick snapshot of your relationship up front? Online assessments can be very helpful. The two leading popular options are SYMBIS and Prepare-Enrich.

These assessments and inventories provide valuable insights into your compatibility, communication styles, potential areas of growth, spiritual compatibility and much more.

They also give your premarital counselor(s) a lot of important information quickly, which helps them know where they might focus during your sessions together. For example, the guy in one couple said they were not sexually active, while the woman said they were. So yeah, we dug into that, which was helpful - not only to explore what was happening physically, but in other areas, too. 

SYMBIS

One valuable resource for premarital counseling is the SYMBIS (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) assessment, created by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. It asks you to share your relationship and family histories, then moves on to topics such as how you view money, communication preferences, spiritual priorities, how you argue, and more. It does a nice job comparing your answers to your partner's so you can easily see where you differ and align. 

Additionally, the book 'Getting Ready for Marriage' by Jim Burns, John Henderson, and Doug Fields provides practical guidance and exercises to prepare you for a strong and successful marriage.

Prepare-Enrich

The Prepare-Enrich program is the other major assessment you'll come across. 

Developed by Dr. David Olson, a family science pioneer, the assessment is very similar to SYMBIS.

My wife and I have taken both of these assessments, and they highlighted similar things, covering very similar topics. The cost and time to complete them is also comparable. In fact, you'll have a hard time finding much difference between them even if you do a Google search for it, so go with the one your premarital counselor uses or is more comfortable with.

Importantly, they can quickly call attention to various 'red flags' such as abuse, that should be explored during your counseling. Most books and other resources tend to not cover these, or, at least not clearly.

In both cases, your premarital counselor can receive a copy and use it as a reference point during your sessions. 

Frequently Asked Questions

How Long Does Premarital Counseling Typically Last?

The premarital counseling process typically lasts for a few months, with an average of 4-8 counseling sessions, but this can vary depending on your specific needs and goals. Either way, it's an important step to help you build a strong foundation for your future together.

Are There Any Specific Counseling Techniques or Approaches That Are Commonly Used in Premarital Counseling?

Commonly used counseling techniques in premarital counseling include active listening, communication exercises, conflict resolution strategies, thought-provoking questions, and exploring values and expectations. These approaches aim to enhance communication and problem-solving skills to strengthen the foundation of your relationship. However, I'd say that using scripture and helping couples focus on Christ and the gospel are even more essential, and provide a critical framework for any skills and exercises that may be involved. In other words, techniques are secondary to this spiritual foundation. After all, since God created marriage (Genesis 2:20-24) and called you to it, he should be at the center of the marriage - and the process leading up to it!

Is Premarital Counseling Only for Couples Who Are Experiencing Problems or Conflicts in Their Relationship?

Premarital counseling is not just for couples with problems. It can benefit any engaged couple, regardless of their relationship's health as they head toward marriage. It provides a safe space to address concerns, improve communication, and strengthen the foundation for married life.

Will Attending My Church's Premarital Class Adequately Prepare Me For Marriage?

It depends. If the class simply involves a series of lectures, however helpful, the class will not be enough. Adding outside reading, practical exercises, bible reading and reflection, questions for couples to consider, an online assessment, and - most importantly - in-person meetings with a qualified pastor, ministry leader, or couple - will make your premarital process much more complete. 

What Are Some Potential Benefits of Premarital Counseling That Couples May Not Be Aware Of?

Although the success of any marriage is ultimately in God's hands, studies show premarital counseling can give your marriage a 30% greater chance of success, which... is kind of a big deal. Also, it often brings up blind spots that you were not aware of, or at least sheds new light on them. You'll still have to work on these after your wedding day, but it's very helpful to get a head start or, even slow down your relationship while you figure things out. Finally, sometimes couples believe the myth that covering the right topics is the most important part of their premarital process. When they sit down with a seasoned counselor, it becomes apparent that the counselor is far more critical to their success.

Conclusion: Take Full Advantage Of Every Premarital Resource You Can

In conclusion, there are a variety of premarital counseling resources available to help couples take their first steps toward a good marriage. Whether you prefer books, online courses, or working with a counselor, there are options to suit every couple's needs, and often the best approach is some combination of the above.

By investing in these resources and solid planning, couples can gain valuable insights and tools to build a strong foundation for a successful, Christ-centered, and fulfilling marriage.

Don't hesitate to take advantage of these resources as you prepare for your journey together. And don't hesitate to reach out to me personally in the comments below if I can be of help.